Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If I die, sorry about rent.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
