dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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