I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we made out on top of his cat.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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