i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
