I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wish you could order shots online.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
