just come out here and I will go home with you...
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
