Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
