Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
