Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
