my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
our cab driver is having phone sex.
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low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
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I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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