I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
