so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
