Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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