So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
