he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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