I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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