I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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