When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
