I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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