Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
