We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
