i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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