yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
