so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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