Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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