We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
