I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
