If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
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I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
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you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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