why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
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I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
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We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
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