fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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