Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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