I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
