Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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