Duck Duck Cougar?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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