Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
