Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
