The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
