I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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