Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
