I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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