epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
