We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
