Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
