I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
