the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
