Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
