I will die if light touches me.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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