I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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