i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
