he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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