Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
