i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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