Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
