Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
