Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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