Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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