Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
