she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
